sophie
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7th
Hi Soph!! This is a long one. I appreciate you clicking the link and having an open heart and mind enough to read it. Thanks in advance for hearing me out. I want to be respectful, don’t want to risk sending you a message, so I have written here on my private web server, and figured, I’ll post the link on my “Close Friends” IG Stories (your eyes only) and leave it up to you to decide to open it. This doesn’t count as us “talking”. You’re just merely doing a bit of light (sometimes heavy) reading, hhahah! But seriously, I never want to cause any stress or discord in your life and only ever want your happiness and safety, always (I wrote this on Monday night, before receiving your nice message on Tuesday morning, so a couple things may be repeated from my Instagram reply).
I hope you’re doing well. You’re always on my mind. Oh, sweet, beautiful Sophie, I enjoyed those two shows so much. I was a nervous wreck going there on Friday. I honestly didn’t even know if you were back in the country on time for the first show (other than the mandatory, incessant self-promo, I’ve been mostly off social media). My heart was racing as I walked towards the building, I checked-in, grabbed a program at the door and started making my way down the corridor to the concert hall. Still not a-hundred-percent you were even there. I stopped just outside the hall to collect my thoughts for a second. What the fuck am I doing? I go in, grab a seat and within a few short minutes, the choir came out from the back through the audience for the intro number, my heart now pounding out of my chest, didn’t know where to look, then all of a sudden, Jesusfuckingchrist! There you were! Just like that, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, not ten-feet from me, standing to my left, I almost had a fucking stroke, no joke. We caught each other’s eye, and both looked away. I had to force my gaze in another direction, it was all too much, you were right there (sidenote: I love that black dress, by the way. Gorgeous. Is it the same black dress that you wore at your staff party back in January? I thought maybe I recognized it. It has been seared in my mind since then). I left before the show ended to avoid any awkward interactions or stress. I’m sorry I that missed the James Bond number, I know you were excited about that one and I was looking forward to it.
I really quite enjoyed the show on Sunday, even more (for obvious reasons). I was really able to relax and be in the moment, you had me dancing in my seat the whole time. I had to again force myself to look elsewhere once in a while, just in case you looked in my direction. Didn’t want to get caught staring at you the whole time (even though I totally was) I just could not take my eyes off of you. It was almost comical how divine and majestic you looked standing up there (especially during the instrumental number from Schindler’s List), with the sun beaming down on your beautiful long hair and face, with me staring at you with dreamy, longing, love-struck-asshole eyes. If you were to write that scene in a movie, the director would say it’s too much, not a realistic depiction of anything real, and to pull back on the cheese, but this was indeed real life. I had a chuckle to myself.
This all sounds so cornball-y, but man-oh-man, did I ever want to pause time and just stay in the church with you forever. I wished never to leave. My heart sank and broke as I walked out the door, into the real world. I was in a bubble of pure bliss and that bubble burst when I left. Before exiting, I turned to face the front of the church for one last look at you, and there you were, dead center, with the most beautiful smile in the world. A smile that could take down an army of a hundred-thousand. My heart jumped out of my chest and into my throat. I know there was a full choir up there, but I only ever saw you. I swear I couldn’t pick any of the other choir members out of a lineup if I had to (good opportunity for any of them to rob a bank). I blew you a kiss and walked out. Tears in my eyes. Knowing that moment, that time in the church together, was now the past. Nothing but a recent memory. Not knowing when we’d ever be in the same room again.
I should be leaving all of this alone and well. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore, but selfishly, I feel the need to express what’s on my heart. Otherwise it may explode into a million pieces. I am going a little crazy to be honest, we took such a sharp 180° and it’s hard to handle, hard on the head and hard on the heart. Hard to process. The thing is, nothing bad happened between us to change my heart. We are but victims of circumstance, so I am left feeling confused and hurt. My feelings don’t change overnight. Selfishly, it still matters to me. You still matter to me.
I should just leave it be and accept your decision. I just am having a hard time denying that feeling deep in my soul and in my heart. When we would exchange quick glances at each other at the concerts and our eyes would lock for a fraction of a second, that feeling; that flutter, that “woosh” is all too real. It’s pure and strong. Deep and whole. It’s life and love. Impossible to deny.
I’m sure I’ll get over it someday but I’m having difficulty letting go, I really so badly want to share a life with you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in all my life and having you gone from my life, is utterly excruciating and pure torture, every moment of every day. Especially not knowing what you’re thinking or feeling. I wish I could take a pill to make me just forget but I can’t forget. The opposite in fact, the thing about sharing every single moment with you for five-and-a-half months is it that now every single moment, every little thing, reminds me of you. So often, I reach for my phone to share a moment with you. Every day. I’ll hear a song or see a nice booty out in the world and my heart will sink, hhaha! I heard someone refer to her friend as a “big-booty-bad-ass-bitch” and a single tear rolled down my cheek hahaa
Sophie, you are such an amazing, special, beautiful, smart, funny, adventurous, caring, loving, ambitious, strong and powerful woman, like none I’ve ever met or even come close. You matter, you are important, you are loved, you motivate and inspire, you spark joy, you light up a room, you make everyone who comes across you, feel good.
And I can’t let go.
Again, selfish, but true.
It sucks that we can’t talk, it really hurts, I think of you all the fucking time. I’m always wondering what you’re doing, what’s going on with you, how you’re doing. I sometimes find myself feeling jealous of all your other friends still “allowed” in your life. I’ve been leaving Easter eggs for you in my Instagram stories. Sometimes they’re a little on-the-nose with a picture of a bee and a flower (I’ve spent way too much time lately hunched over in my backyard, phone-in-hand, chasing bees around for the perfect shot ahhah), with lyrics to one of the special songs that we shared, other times subtler, with a random Listerine bottle in the background or your paper bag and gold bow pinned-up behind my head in the studio. Hell, I don’t know if you ever even see any of these things, but it doesn’t matter, it’s my way of feeling connected to you. It’s all silly, but my weird small way to not go completely insane. I really miss you, I miss waking up to a message from you wishing me a “good day” and “happy hump day” or a “thirsty Thursday”, I miss random check-ins throughout the day, I miss sharing the songs we have on our hearts, I miss talking health and fitness, I miss the food-porn, I miss hearing about every last detail of your day, I miss your rants, I miss hearing about how you’re feeling, I miss your smile, I miss random voice notes, your laugh that makes me weak in the knees, I miss messages of you telling me you’re disconnecting for the day. I miss you wishing me a deep sleep. I just miss you so fucking much.
I also owe you an apology, I’ve been wanting to profusely apologize for my reaction on that Thursday when you made your decision. I’ve been feeling so terrible about how it all came out and am so so sorry, please forgive me!!! I’ve desperately since been wanting to send you a quick ‘sorry note’, but of course stayed away, as promised. Not the right time or place.
Again, this all doesn’t seem to matter anymore, but I want to say it anyway. I one-thousand-percent understand and support your decisions and choices, no matter what, anytime, any day. I care so deeply for you (still and forever) and just want your happiness at all times. My reaction was immature, a total lapse in better judgement and doesn’t represent who I am. I feel I didn’t support you, as I said I always would. I totally let you down. I didn’t understand at the time and wasn’t there for you when you needed most. Today, I understand.
I only thought of myself. Never once did I ask if you were okay. Never once did I apologize for causing stress and discord on your beautiful vacation. Never once did I respect what you needed. You mentioned you didn’t want to get hurt and that you were safe. Never once did I think you were unsafe. After some thinking, this left me worried. I’d been wanting to reach out and check-in with you, but stayed away, as promised.
Truth is, if I could explain my state of mind that day — aside from already fearing this trip would change things when you first told me about it — I was also hot-off-the-heels of a difficult couples-counselling session and conversation with my wife and my only source of comfort was our connection and dreams. I hung my hat on a future together, not as a sure thing (of course you have the right to change your mind and heart anytime) but as a potential thing to look forward to. This was wrong of me. So, when you told me the decision you had to make; my safety net was gone, and I panicked. The reality remains that I was leaving my wife before we met, I just sort of blurred the lines and made “you and me” part of the healing process, and again, that was my bad, I should have never put that on you. It never was my intention, it just sort of gradually evolved to that. I am so sorry. There, moving on from that.
Sophie, my feelings for you remain very deep and very real. I am no less head-over-heels in love with you today, as I was before the Thursday you had to make a decision. Nothing has changed. My heart hurts tremendously but it beats for you, it belongs to you. Having said that, I will back off. I will go on and live my life, but like I’ve said a thousand times, I will wait for you for the rest of my days. In silence. Over here. Giving you space to live your life.
As fucked up and totally hopeless as it may seem, I still hang my hat on our dreams of a life together. The connection is deep, the love real, it seems insane to give up when I so believe that we belong together.
If, down the road, things don’t work out at home and there still is a glimmer of that feeling in your heart for what we had, I’m literally begging and pleading for you to reach out to me. I’m never too far.
Always just a DM away.
Here for you.
Forever.
Thank you for reading this.
You do not need to reply. It’s all out there now. There’s nothing left for me to say.
Love,
Julien
PS. I’ve handwritten you a letter every day since May 6th. Someday. If the circumstances permit it and if you’re ever interested, I’ll pass them along to you.
PPS. (update) As I’ve re-read this letter and reflected on it, the real reason for my writing it has become clear. As I was writing, I kept telling myself, this is just my way to express what’s on my heart so that I don’t go batshit. But if I boil it down, and am honest, this is a Hail-Mary pass, a last-ditch effort at us being together. I’ve said a few times that I “understand” but I think, I really don’t understand. We seem to both want to be with each other. As recent as yesterday you told me you “feel like you’re losing your best friend” (it doesn’t have to be that way, Sophie!! You don’t have to lose anything!!), when I sent you the first letter in April, you said the letter was like “a dream come true” and that you felt the same way (in love). For me, there’s nothing I want more in life than to be with you. So, what are we even doing? Connections like ours are so incredibly rare. Do you realize how lucky we are that the Universe brought us to each other? There has to be a reason. This has to be real. The life of our wildest dreams is within reach. This is all within our control. We are masters of our own universe. Why are we depriving ourselves? We have one shot at life and it’s so fucking short. So, ultimately, I guess I do not understand.
Real talk: why give your current “toxic” relationship one last crack? Fuck it! Sorry, I don’t mean any offense or disrespect, but going on what you shared with me, fuck that, you deserve so much more out of love and life. Is it fear of the unknown? Is it co-dependency? Is it fear of him? You even said you’d never want this for your own daughter, so why tolerate it for yourself? Sorry again, I just get so worked up when I think about it too long, life is meant to be beautiful, especially the elements in which we have control over. I really am sorry. It’s not my place to say anything, yet here I am. I want to be respectful and not make assumptions, I’m just going based on what you’ve told me. I’m sure there are good times and it’s not all bad. There has to be some good for an angel-walking-the-earth like you to be so committed to a situation. So, I am sorry if I am off the mark. I read that women in abusive relationships (physical or emotional) mostly never leave. Ever. For many reasons, spending an entire lifetime trapped. They often fear what would happen should they leave. I’m here to tell you that nothing will ever happen to you as long as I’m around. I will keep you safe and happy forever.
Ultimately the point of this letter is for you to reconsider your decision. Please. We can do this together, you will not be alone for any part of it. Unless all of the things that were said between us over the last five-and-a-half months simply aren’t true. But I don’t believe that. I believe, now more than ever, that you and I belong together, we really do. Let’s shoot for true happiness, let’s go for true love. The real, pure, wholesome, fun, exciting, blissful kind. Let’s take over the fucking world. You and me. Me and you. Let’s live. Let’s ride this mother fucker until the wheels fall off. Let’s create that bubble of pure bliss.
PPPS. Oops, I guess there was a lot more left for me to say, after all.
— —
THURSDAY, APRIL 20th
Oh hi you!!
I was going to e-mail this to you, for the simple reasons that A) it will be too long for Instagram DMs and, B) knowing myself I would have probably “sent” and “unsent” this a thousand times. This way, it’s out there and there’s no turning back hhaha
For some time now, the logical part of my brain has tried to dismiss the way I’m feeling or what I’m about to say as “irrational” or straight-up “batshit crazy”. But now enough time has passed, to more than confirm what I’ve known since day one (by the way, nothing I’m about to say will come as any major surprise to you, since I’ve been pretty open about my feelings. It’s also worth mentioning that I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t think that you felt the same way on some level or if I felt that I was totally coming from left field).
Sophie, I am in love with you.
Completely unexpectedly, without looking for it, it happened. When we first saw each other in December, it absolutely was love at first sight and I’ve been head-over-heals ever since. In the beginning, in the name of self-preservation, my mind was trying to figure out why the Universe brought us to each other, but the whole time my heart’s been telling me it’s because we belong together.
I’ve never met anybody like you, Sophie. You’re the most special person I’ve ever come across, and even though we’ve only known each other for months, we share a connection I’ve never felt in all my years. On top of being a wonderful person, a caring soul, an intelligent radiant beam of light, a funny, sexy, gorgeous and mesmerizing power-house, bad-ass, independent boss of a woman, we share so much of the same values and core beliefs. We believe in true happiness, love, family, children and marriage to name a few (I believe you deserve your big day). We share the same passion for health, fitness, nature and all the simple beauties life has to offer. We both love to laugh and have a natural tendency to focus on the positive.
There is a point to this letter, I’m getting to it.
This may be a scary notion, and what I’m about to say might seem a little crazy but hear me out. I’ve thought long and hard about it and I believe we’ve been in similar situations from even before we met. After having talked in the car the other day (best 20 minutes ever!) I realized that a person can be trapped for many years and settle in an unhappy situation out of comfort and fear. Knowing is easier than the unknown. But the truth is, life is too short and too beautiful, it’s meant to be lived to the absolute fullest and truly one can’t go wrong letting your heart be your guide.
I’m also a strong believer in “take the leap, and the net will appear”.
Get to the fucking point, Dionne! Here goes, I think it’s time for you and me to become the masters of our universe. It’s time to take control, place our own individual happiness first and leave our respective relationships. Let’s go through it together, be there for each other, support each other, heal together and build together. We will take our time, go slow, and not rush anything. Go with the flow and feel things out. Be each other’s support system and each other’s rock. Leaving an unhappy relationship for whatever reason is difficult, terrifying, and honestly can be downright horrific. When facing it alone, it can seem utterly impossible. But going through it together, is a gift that has fallen on our lap. We should be so lucky to have met each other when we both faced these similar crossroads. We can do it side-by-side. I believe that together you and I make an unstoppable team and can overcome anything and everything. This does not make us bad people. I think given our unique situation, we’re not really leaving our partners for each other. That was already happening. We’re simply two people that are here to catch each other when we fall. There is a difference. We are so unbelievably lucky to be in this situation when you really think about it. And ultimately, our partners will eventually find happiness beyond their wildest dreams, in their own right. I won’t speak for you, but in my situation, more than I can offer, that’s for sure.
I really do think that together we would be happy, can build a life and have a real shot at true happiness and love. I’m not taking any of this lightly, this is a big thing. I just want you to truly understand that I would never let anything bad ever happen to you, we absolutely can get through this. On the practical side of things, financially speaking, I will provide, and things always workout with the right intentions, with the heart in the right place. We can build together, we can support each other, go through it together. Alone it might feel impossible, but I promise you Sophie together we can do this, I will do anything to protect you from harm or hurt and transition into a new life with grace and harmony. People leave more difficult and complicated situations every day and great lives have been built out of less.
Again, the two of us together we are unstoppable.
You don’t need to answer me right away. You don’t need to answer ever. If I’m way out of line, we never have to address this letter ever again. You may be happy already and I may have misread the situation, which is all good as well. This letter is really a reflection on my own situation and if you see any part of yourself in it, great. If not, that’s totally one-thousand-percent okay as well. All I ask is that you keep me in your life and and we remain the same as before you read this. Take your time, think about it. I’m being very serious and I’m also very confident and wholeheartedly believe with every fibre of my being, we can get through this together and carve out a life where, for the first time, we put each other first, we put our happiness first. Please feel no pressure here from me whatsoever. Never. I just want to put it out there because why waste time, why waste another minute apart.
At the end of the day, rest assured in knowing that I’ve waited 39 years to meet you, I would easily wait another 39 to be with you. I believe in us.